Going Back to Work

I was offered a chance to teach evening classes to adults. Three hours a day, four days a week. The institute was really short on teachers because most had headed out for Christmas/New Years. I knew that there would be backlash. Whenever a system or routine is upset, kids always have a way to let you know. So I was expecting something…

I had talked about it with Iman, and she had made it clear that she didn’t want me going back to work. I tried persuading her that she would have extra “daddy time”. He will take them out every day. She would get special privileges, and most importantly… this was only for a couple of days. In the end, she accepted it, giving me her permission, but she didn’t like it, not one bit.

 After working for two days, Iman decided that I wasn’t her mom anymore. Her new mom is Barbie. Naturally I was devastated. I am trying to do whatever I can to make sure she doesn’t get upset, but in the end I have to compete with a plastic doll?? Omair thinks I’m being stupid. There is no competition, she’s being silly, I should just indulge her. So I am. I am playing alongin this stupid game, but I’m hating every bit of it. I even took Iman for a movie with her friends, and on the car ride home, she took my cell phone and “called” Barbie and spent most of the ride telling her about how much fun she had. If I made any attempt to talk to her, she brushed me off by saying “Please wait your turn, I’m on the phone.”

Oh great. I know that this is ridiculous. But it really hurts. She’s my child, and I love her. Going back to work for two weeks was supposed to be something fun where I got some extra cash to play around with, but now Iman has made it into this horrible thing I have done, which apparently in her books can’t be redeemed.

Ayzah is quick to follow. She’s dealing with abandonment in her own ways. She waked up crying hysterically in the night. Nothing can soothe her. If I try the pacifier, she spits it out. If I try to bottle feed her she out right refuses. Nothing works, except nursing. And then, she latches on and keeps at it. She’ll OVER fill… spit up and then latch on again!! No matter what I try, she just needs to be attached to me.

Ok, so I might be overplaying this in my head. But it’s only started now. And the kids are so used to having me hear 24/7 I know they would react. I was just hoping in my heart that they wouldn’t notice I was gone.

Choosing her Wheels

Iman’s decided that she’s outgrown her tricycle, and she’s ready to move on to more “mature” wheels. So she says to me…

Iman: “Mama my legs are too big for my tricylce.”

Me: “Ok, so we’ll get you a two wheeler.”

Iman: “But I want more wheels.”

Me: “Ok, how many?”

So she counts on her fingers…
Iman: “One, two, three, four. I want four wheels.“

Me: “But that’s a car“

Iman: “Ok then, you can buy me a car.”

Honest Advice

I have these moments where I look at Iman and my heart overflows with emotion. I just can’t believe she’s so amazing, and she’s ours! I take these opportunities to remind her how much I love her, and sometimes she doesn’t understand my melodrama.

Yesterday was one of those moments, so I held her tight and looked her straight in the eye and said…
“Iman, every time I look at you my heart hurts because I love you so much I just don’t know how to control my feelings.”

So she replies…
“Stop looking at me.”

To Maid or not to Maid

Parenting culture is changing, and couples are increasingly depending on hired help to be able to “escape” the troubles of being full time mom and dad. I’ve thought about it a lot. In fact, I thought most about it after having Ayzah and being offered a really good job. But then I decided to stick to plan A. I was going to be a full time mom. But recently though, I’ve come to realize that almost everyone I know, has some sort of “support system” to help them while raising their kids. Whether it’s in form of grandparents, family or a nanny, most couples have someone they can rely on while they maintain fragments of their lives as they used to be.

Wanting to be full time parents has been a bumpy ride. Of course in our lives, there is no such thing as “couple time”, unless we’re talking those couple of hours where both kids are sleeping. But there’s no way we can leave the house without the kids. It’s really funny, because having no one to help, means the girls follow along, no matter what time of day or night. So in some cases where I am out with the kids past regular bedtimes, I feel I get looked down upon. Other moms will ask “Isn’t it really late for your kids to be up?” or “What time do they go to sleep?” — all this makes me feel really bad about coming out in the first place. Almost as though I’m desperate for a social life that I’ll drag these innocent kids out at the wee hours. Of course I don’t take the time to explain myself because I feel like I shouldn’t have to. In general, I’m a great mom, and shouldn’t be questioned about basic things like sleep, I know how long my kids need to rest.

At first everything worked really well. We had met other moms and dads, and it was fun to schedule outings according to kids schedules. Making sure naps weren’t disturbed and venues were all child-friendly. But now, the worst thing is… a lot of our parent friends have maids to help out. So once again… I find myself in the company of great people, who don’t have kids around to distract them. Damn.

Prince Charming

It’s funny how little girls never grow “into” or “out of” the fantasy of prince charming. Somehow it must be tied in with our DNA. We dream of castles and white horses… flowers and beautiful weddings. We never really tire of the prospect of being whisked away by our one and only true love.

Yesterday Iman came to us and said…

Iman: I’m going to get married.

Me: Really? Right now?

Iman: Yes, right now.

Me: But you know what that means… you’ll have to leave our house and go live with a boy.

Iman: Not a boy, I’m going to get married and live with my prince.

Omair: Your prince?? You want to live away from your daddy?

Iman: Yes, I have to. I have to get married to my prince because then I have to live in my castle.

Me: But we’re going to miss you honey.

Iman: It’s ok, you can come visit me in my castle.

Omair: What about Ayzah, she’ll miss you too.

Iman: No she won’t, she’ll be living in her own castle with her own prince.

To my sweet little angels Iman and Ayzah, may you find true love in your prince charming. I promise to come and visit you in your castle.

Good Dad, Bad Dad… is a relative term

It was interesting to write something so close to my heart, yet so personal. The macho man image will always be heavily imposed on by culture and surroundings. It may seem easy (or necessary) to hold your own during a mocking session, but out of those that I have witnessed, it’s not that easy. The loud talkers don’t leave room for debate, but then really… who’s trying to argue?

When Omair read this post he wasn’t offended. We all see things in our own ways, and I had already mentioned that it was something I thought. At times I am quite worried, because Omair really does excel at fatherhood, so I naturally get cautious whenever we come across guys that are less enthusiastic. But I’ve seen it come and go many times, and I know that Omair might not be one to spark an argument, but then again, he’s definitely not one to change his ways. He knows what he wants for his family and kids, and we all admire him for his contribution! As our close friends embark on the road to fatherhood, he serves as an excellent example, a guy who can be a good friend, a great father and a loving husband. 

I’m happy that you all responded. I guess what I want to say isn’t at all original. Someone has already said it in their own way. Those of us who are blessed with caring spouses should be grateful, they are hard to come by. Omair remains an inspiration to all the dads who know him… and on most days, an inspiration to me.

The Affirmative Discipline Program

 It might sound fancy, but I just made it up last night. I’ve noticed that Iman’s developed “selective hearing“. Although her ears work perfectly well, she chooses what she wants to hear, and what she wants to ignore. Since being a kids involves a lot of listening, her new found control isn’t working too well in our house.

Discipline is tricky business, you want to use it wisely. We never troubled ourselves with any fancy tactics. Thanks to Jo Frost, we use the naughty corner and it works well. But I feel that some actions don’t require time outs. We’re just better off doing something milder, but equally effective. So I thought of my brilliant Affirmative Discipline Program (ADP).

Since Iman has her bright and shining moments, we need to reward those equally. So first I thought of making a chart and giving her stars for good behavior and black dots for bad behavior, but then I figured that both would be too permanent. Whether I reward her or punish her, I don’t want it to be set in concrete. Behavior can change, so should the outcome of her actions. And then, a bright light shone overhead and I thought of the ADP… perfect.

I’m going to get two jars, one will be labeled with a happy face, and the other with a sad face (representing how I feel). I’m also going to buy a bag of marbles. Here’s how it works… every time Iman does something good, I add a marble to the “happy” jar.- signifying that her actions made me happy. If she does something bad, I take a marble away from the happy jar and put it in the “sad” jar. Working vice versa. Now in case one jar is empty… we bring in a new marble. So if she doesn’t have anything in the “sad” jar, and she does something good, I’ll add a new marble to the “happy” one.

I’m hoping that when she gets a visual display of her actions, she will understand feelings better. I will explain that the marbles represent my feelings, and when she is good, I feel happy, but when she is bad, then I feel sad. At the end of the day… all 3 year olds want mom to be happy with them. So I’m hoping that for a while, this might work. In fact, if the ADP is effective, then maybe we can use it for much longer, after all… it’s just a visual of how her actions effect my feelings.

By golly… I think I’ve hit the jackpot!

Why a good dads image is bad

I’ve never understood why people need to conform to an image laid out by the masses. And most of the time, that image itself is so faulty, that it’s disapointing to see it deemed right. While the rest of the world moves forward, there are many men of our age that have decided to head in the opposite direction.

I am talking about a guys ability to interact with his kids and wife.

Decades ago it was considered honorable that a man wouldn’t address his wife directly. He wouldn’t play with his children, let alone talk to them. When he came home, the children hid away in the house, making sure to stay out of sight. He didn’t sit for a chat with his wife, he didn’t listen, yet it was expected that he should always be heard. His children feared him, and that was good. He had his own space and very little place in the house. That was then, and most people think that we’ve outgrown that barbaric “fatherly” image. But what’s really sad is that our own male friends are subtly forcing it back into the system.

When a guy enjoys “family time”, he’s made fun of. If he enjoys taking his wife out for simple things like groceries or shopping, or even spending time with her, people feel like he’s a softy – or my favorite… “his wife has him wrapped around”. If he watches the kids while his wife finishes her meal, he’s scoffed. If he wants to go home early just to be with the people he loves… his co-workers make fun of him, saying… “Wife ordered you back home?” It’s a shame that in this day and age, when women have come so far and adapted to so many roles, men are still afraid to take the leap. And for those who have, there are 10 more pulling him back, reminding him that his actions are “not manly enough”.

I’ve always admired Omair for his abilities as a dad, and as a result of his actions, I have seen an immense amount of love and admiration for him in our children. He was never afraid to be the first dad at a family picnic who took his kids to the swings without being asked 100 times by mom. He’s never too tired to listen to Iman’s stories. He’s never shyed away from a poopy diaper. He’s never said no to a bedtime story. He’s never said no to me.

But there have been so many times where his guy friends have passed comments where I’ve noticed that he’s taken the punch. Many times where I think he’s embarrassed to be the kind of dad he is. I feel that the other men in our lives have made him feel like being a good dad is “uncool”. Although he’s never said it…. and he’s not responded directly… I still feel that there have been changes in his nurturing. He’s no longer stepping up to the plate with the same enthusiasm.

I just wish that being a good father was the “cool” guy thing to do, as opposed to watching from the sidelines and judging those who make the effort. To all those dads that I am talking about… we all know that you’re participating in raising your children… but if you had a positive attitude while you were at it… your children would have a lot more respect for themselves, their mothers and most importantly… their spouses.

Little White Lies

If anyone ever tells me that we can teach our kids to be honest… I’ll have to strongly disagree. Deception isn’t taught, it’s inbred in the human race.

We have been very honest parents. Every time I had to tell my child something, I made sure it was the truth. As early as a year old, whenever I had to leave Iman, I refused to sneak out. Despite her unsettled crying, I made sure I was honest with her and left after saying goodbye. We never tell white lies in our house. The kids hear it as it is. Sometimes the truth can be adjustedto suit their little minds (for example: where did Ayzah come from?) but no part of it is dishonest. I’ve also encouraged her to tell the truth, making sure she feels comfortable to tell us what’s going on, without fearing the outcome of her honesty.

So with this hardcore honesty policy in our household, I never thought I would hear Iman fabricate a story. Now don’t get me wrong… this wasn’t just a stretched imagination, this was a full thought out story.

(I had gone out to a friend’s birthday party today, and while I was there, Omair had to massage and bathe Ayzah.)

Once I had returned, I was going about the rest of my afternoon. Before bedtime, I gave Iman a bath and while I was putting her in her jammies, she says to me…

(as though I am about to receive some privileged information…)

Iman: Mama you know… I want to tell you something.

Me: Yeah tell me.

Iman: You know mama, when you were gone out, Baba didn’t massage Ayzah.

Me: (Thinking… what??? How’s that possible?) Are you sure honey? I think Baba must have given her a massage.

Iman: Nooooo. He didn’t give her a massage and he didn’t give her a bath!

Me: (Really not believing this, but doubting Omair because Iman is only 3 and really honest…) Honey, I’m sure Baba gave Ayzah her massage and bath, you probably didn’t see it.

Iman: Noooo, I was here, he didn’t. I saw.

Me: (Now really concerned why Omair didn’t massage or bathe the baby, but still put her in the clean clothes I had laid out) Ok let’s call Baba, I want to ask him in front of you. Babaaaaa can you please come here.

Omair: Yeah?

Me: Iman, what were you just telling me? Can you say it in front of Baba?

Iman: No you tell him.

Me: Ok… Baba, did you massage and bathe Ayzah?

Omair: Yeah, why?

Me: Because Iman says you didn’t

Iman: You didn’t massage Ayzah, I didn’t see it.

Omair: Sure I did. Iman what are you talking about?

Iman: Oh yeah he did. Hahahha, I saw… he massaged Ayzah and he gave her a bath. Hahahhaa

Me: (Thinking woah… Iman just lied, and got caught. What happened to my angelic child!) Iman you know, if you say wrong things your tongue will turn black.
(note: I had full intention to make sure if she lied, I used food color to make a point)

Iman: (Looks in the mirror) Really? Ok let me try it.

Me: What if it never becomes pink again? You better be careful!

Iman: (Seriously thinks over all this and then decides that pink is her favorite color, and she’s happy that her tongue is pink, and it’s too risky to try otherwise.)

So it begins… a life of lies and deception awaits us, and she’s not even a teenager yet!

Sleep Trouble

After a nightmarish experience with Iman, we had decided that our second born will have to learn “independent sleep habits”. We had a great system, it worked well, and we were happy. And then one day, Ayzah decided to go her own way, and now we’re all miserable.

Her sleep routine was well set. When nap time neared, I took her into the room, closed the curtains, rocked her a minute or so, fed her and set her down. By that time she was feeling drowsy, and I would leave the room, she would fall asleep in a matter of minutes. The system was so perfect (and I never told anyone about it — didn’t want to jinx myself!!)… it was almost picture perfect! I was so proud, after all that sleep fiasco with Iman, we had finally gotten Ayzah off on the right step.

But now Ayzah has ventured into crazy territory. Forget independent sleeping… she’s given up on sleep all together! This girl NEVER tires out!! How can a 7 month old baby stay awake for stretches as long as 7-8 hours?? I still do the same sleep routine every time a nap draws near, but this little one… she just keeps going and going and going and going.

Then somewhere in between she crosses over into the “overtired” territory, which means that she cries and cries… but doesn’t settle down. The first week I thought it was teething, but the pattern continued (and there were no teeth). The second week I thought maybe she was still hungry, so I made sure I overfed her, but still no results! The third week I thought we just needed her to get tired enough to want to sleep, so I gave her an hour of floor time before her nap, so she would feel the need to sleep… no such luck.

Now it takes me 40 minutes to get her to go to sleep, and she’s up again after 20. I feel another Iman coming on…