Watching from a distance

Children live in their own world. It’s a happy place, filled with really good things, but unfortunately as we grow older, we leave that world and enter another one. It’s a place where we create our own problems, and overlook all the little things that were important to us when we were young.

When I watch Iman and Ayzah in their own world, it makes me happy to see them so happy. Hope it lasts this way for them forever.

Literally Understood…

Iman just came running to me right now, needing to blow her nose. So I told her to get some tissue. Quite aptly she returned with the whole box (YAY! I’ve taught her well). I took one out, and handed it to her, she blew her nose, and while I was busy typing away at the computer I handed her the tissue box and said… “Put it back” so she took her snotty tissue and stuffed it back in the box!

Ladies and gentlemen, she’s a big girl now!

You can never really put your finger on the moment your baby becomes a “big kid”. Last I remember Iman was repeating everything I said… “Birdie, car, ball, light…”. Small words, easy words. God knows when she started stringing along sentences, and really I have no clue when she became so big that she started having conversations with me.

It’s nice. In fact, I love having her around, she’s got opinions, she’s got a sense of humor, but most of all, she knows what to say and when. There have been countless conversations that I wish I could save forever. Not because they were so profound, but because it’s amazing how this little creature who I once nursed, changed, bathed and carried is now capable of them. Now she can feed herself, change her own clothes, take her own showers and walk tall, but most of all she can come up with the most “mature” things to say, and sometimes both Omair and I are left staring at each other in awe, thinking… is this really our kid?

After a beach trip this weekend, Iman woke up the next morning with a runny nose. Of course, being the person that I am, immediately my mind started working overtime. As I was tidying up the room, I spoke to Omair…

Me: “Iman’s got a runny nose from the beach yesterday. She’ll probably have a fever by tonight. I think we should give her some Calpol.”

Omair: “Don’t give her anything yet, just wait to see how the day goes.”

*Iman, who is sitting on the toilet, coughs really loud*

Me: “Oh no, she’s coughing! Ok let me just give her something for her cough, I definitely don’t want that to get worse.”

Omair: “Take it easy hon, let’s just see how the day goes.”

Iman (speaks from the toilet): “Yeah mom, it’s not a big deal. I’ll get better by myself, I don’t need any medicine, ok?”

WHO is this person in the toilet? WHAT did she just say? WHEN did she grow up so much?

Really I tell you, one minute you’ve got a baby cradled in your arms, the next minute there’s a kid on your toilet, telling you “it’s not a big deal!”

Losing it… or lost it already?

What is it about being a mom that has our brains totally fried? I used to be able to remember details about things. Now I can’t even remember what I ate for lunch! Clearly our mind is cluttered with too much, and now we can’t even retrace the day or recall who we met over the weekend.

 It must be a general “mommy thing” – and if you’re a mom whose brain’s still working… watch out, it won’t be long! Sheza and I were just discussing this today. Some times I feel really handicapped. Surely this can’t be normal! I used to pride myself in remembering birthdays, people I met a long time ago, conversations, you name it! I never lost anything, always knew where things we kept… even when they were kept in the wrong place! For someone who was SO organized in thought, this new “mommyness” comes as such a shock to my daily existence. I’ve started forgetting where I’ve put things, who I was supposed to call, I’ve forgotten doctor’s appointments, in general forgotten the small things that used to keep my life in working order… and don’t even get me started on groceries! Somehow I can make the most useful list, and then come home and STILL not have everything we need!

 It’s frustrating. Almost makes me understand old age and how we feel at a loss at our own hands. Sometimes I can’t contain myself. It feels like I’m “me” but not the same me. Omair doesn’t really get it, because he doesn’t realize how helpless this makes me feel. He’ll often joke and say… “As long as you don’t forget me and the kids, I think we can manage”. But seriously, we can laugh about it once in a while, but for me, it feels like things are crumbling away at my fingertips. No matter how much I want to remember things like I used to… I just can’t.

I wonder if it will ever come back. Or have I fallen into the depths of “memory loss for moms” forever…

Learning Life’s Lessons

I feel like I’ve written this post before… but I don’t have the time to retrace my steps so I’m just going to write it again. And that just proves that moms are so “mommified” that constant repetition is our only mode of survival!

Children can be so helpless some times, and as adults, watching them struggle is a mixed feeling. You want to let them work hard at getting what they want, but then at the same time, you just want to step in and rescue your little one from all that anguish.

Ayzah has her little box of “stuff” that she goes through, but from time to time, she’ll stand up at Iman’s toy keeper and try to pull out something to play with. So many times I’ve noticed her struggling to pull out a stuffed animal, a plastic cup or a doll. Since the space between the drawers isn’t that big. Ayzah usually can’t get her new “find” to get through. So many times I’ve watched her struggle and get frustrated. She’s kept yanking and pulling and trying and trying. Some times she’ll succeed, which is great to watch, because she’ll be so delighted with what she’s done! It’s an accomplishment that can’t be measured by anyone but her.

Then there are other times when she just can’t seem to get the toy through, and in this case, after trying so hard for so long, she’ll come to terms with what she can’t have, and reach in for something else.

It’s amazing how some of the most important lessons in life are learned at such a tender age.

How external factors impose upon internal affairs

I drove for almost two and a half hours to get from a friend’s house, to Iman’s school and then home. Typically this should have been under one hour… but for some odd reason, every route I tried was just busier than the next, until I gave up and sat in the traffic waiting for things to progress. Each passing minute became more irritating. The kids were going crazy in the car, and since we really weren’t going any where, I kept getting more and more aggravated.

It’s something like this that can really get under your skin, and if you’re falling behind on what you need to do, the frustration just keeps mounting. Eventually when we did make it home, I was so edgy that Iman’s feeble attempt to make conversation just landed her a snark remark. The rest of the afternoon was thrown off, and consequently the day just couldn’t be mended. Iman and I had several little spats, I even raised my voice a couple times at Ayzah.

At the end of the day when I put the kids to bed. I sat there, looking at both of them, feeling incredibly guilty (obviously) and wondering how I couldn’t shake off a bad run in the traffic. Seriously, I’m older and wiser now, so patience should also follow. When I had come home, if I had thrown all the yuckiness of the road behind, I could have had a lovely afternoon with my kids. Instead, I held on to all the little things that went wrong, and let them bother me straight through the day.

It’s days like these that I carry a load of guilt on me. My poor children, innocent and unaware, get the brunt of it all… only because I let the outside get inside.

Trying to have a moment…

Every couple has a moment, and when they become parents, they try their best to have that moment. You know, that moment when you look at your spouse and you’re over-flooded with emotion. You feel lucky to have them in your life and you just want to hold them and say “I love you”.

Well, I had that moment this morning. So when Omair was picking up his keys and wallet before heading out the door, I Gave him a hug and looked lovingly into his eyes. All I wanted to do was tell him that I love him, but instead Iman popped up and tugged at my leg saying… “I want a hug too!” and then Ayzah followed suit and tugged at my other leg babbling something or the other. I tried really hard to have that moment… really really hard, but the kids just wouldn’t give us a minute, not even a minute to gaze lovingly at each other and say “I love you”.

 Note to self: Leave all “moments” until after the kids go to bed.

Some things about Ayzah that I never want to forget…

She’s amazing in a million different ways, and as the days go by, I feel like I can’t seem to “hold on” to all the things she does. So I’m going to make a list for myself. I need to remember this stuff… for when she’s older, for when I’m too old to remember.

#1: How she’s so incredibly shy. Even when she looks at her own reflection in the mirror she has to turn and hide her face in my neck.

#2: How she takes a bottle in the middle of the night, and when she’s done, she just turns over and goes to sleep.

#3: How she wakes up from a nap and stands in her crib making funny noises until we come and get her.

#4: How she tries to imitate everything we say, but can’t get the words out right.

#5: How sometimes when she tries to imitate us, she manages to get the first syllable right and then just keeps repeating that.

#6: How she waves good bye and knows how to imitate snoring.

#7: After we put her to bed she stands up in her crib and tries to get Iman to indulge her in some late night “babble”.

#8: How she is so fascinated by wires.

#9: How she “fake” cries so we’ll pick her up.

#10: How she crawls to me and puts her head in my lap… for no reason, just because it’s her – and that’s the way she is.